Getmeoffthisplanet

A look at 21st century earth from the outside.

Archive for the ‘And another thing…’ Category

Is it me?

leave a comment »

do we need punctuation many things wind me up people mainly but some of the things that come across my desk make me want scream at the world part of my current work occasionally brings email from the great british public into my gaze on the whole I would say most people have got to grips with the language and the use of punctuation now before you think not another rant about punctuation then youll be wondering what i am talking about whats more if you have reached this far without having to start reading this again then your brain just works in a different way to mine

Have a look at this –

An English professor wrote the words
“A woman without her man is nothing”
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
“A woman, without her man, is nothing.”

All the females in the class wrote:
“A woman: without her, man is nothing.”

ANOTHER THING PEOPLE DO IN SOME EMAILS IS TO WRITE THE WHOLE THING IN CAPITAL LETTERS. HOW FECKING ANNOYING – IT IS LIKE SOMEONE IS SHOUTING INTO MY EYEBALLS.

Advertisements

Written by Tim Leal

October 29, 2008 at 1:02 pm

Posted in And another thing...

Tagged with ,

Road planners

leave a comment »

Who plans roads? What qualifications do they have? Probably a First Class Degree in ‘winding people up’ if the new jumble of excuses for roads I have seen recently are anything to go by.

Road rage - Caused by bumbling road planners.

One catastrophic example of road planning I see all the time is single carriageway roads that split to two lanes as they approach a set of traffic lights. Only to go back into one lane in each direction shortly after the lights. This seems to invite road rage each time the lights turn to red as people jostle for position and try to get past that lorry. One road I know (the A38 heading towards Mansfield off the M1) has exactly this mind-blowing arrangement every half mile or so. I ventured onto this road once only to find mind-numbingly boring crawling traffic interspersed with a few seconds of excitement as people swore at each other or, on a couple of occasions, get out of their vehicles to have a not-so-friendly word with the poor old granny who finds herself sandwiched between a large lorry and a boy racer.

Another demented road planning trick is to start placing traffic lights at junctions along roads that are actually dual carriageways for a couple of miles or longer. From what I have seen this leads to almost everyone under the age of 80 being invited into a race from each set of lights as we all progress down the merry way.

Finally, a bypass was recently built around Mansfield – the new A617 from Rainworth to the afore-mentioned A38. I would like to meet the bright spark who looked at the future traffic needs of the area and decided that this would only be one lane in each direction. What a fecking plonker. This road is already full to the brim. Not only that, the number of traffic lights one encounters is staggering. On top of this, they have decided to build a new business park at the side of it. The business park will have two entrances and in a move that stuns the very breath from your lungs and pounds the senses into submission, they have decided to place traffic lights at both of them. All on a single carriageway bypass.

The fecking bypass will soon need a bypass to bypass it!

Written by Tim Leal

October 16, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Cigarettes & Alcohol

leave a comment »

I like the occasional drink and cigarette. I enjoy them but both these things are bad for me.

I do not like running, going to the gym or eating fish. But these things I know are good for me.

I like burgers. I even like the gerkins inside the burgers.

I like burgers. I even like the gherkins inside the burgers.

Why is the world built this way? All those things I enjoy will probably kill me one day. And all those things that might improve my life and keep me alive a little longer I do not enjoy.

The list goes on.

I enjoy pizza. The odd McDonald’s Big Mac or Burger Whopper with Cheese.

But I do not like parsnips. Or broccoli.

I like beer, whiskey and cigars.

I do not like running, yoga or rock-climbing. (I do like cycling, keeping generally fit, walking in the countryside, swimming in the sea, jet-skiing, skiing, sky-diving amongst other things – I am not a complete couch potato).

But some people must like these mundane foods and exercise. How is it that some people are born with an in-built need to do these things to themselves.

Whilst others, like me, seem to be born with a built in aversion to the downright boring.

Maybe it is upbringing. Maybe it is the school I went to. Or the town I grew up in. Is it my fault that I will probably die younger than someone who went to a better school? In a more prosperous town?

I’m fairly sure that it isn’t my fault.

But I’m fairly sure that I’m going to end up paying for it.

Written by Tim Leal

October 10, 2008 at 4:48 pm

Rugby and Women

leave a comment »

I used to have an irrational aversion to anything to do with Rugby. I just saw that it was an elitist game for insufferable rich people from inaccessible public schools. Not something that a working class lad from Mansfield could get involved with.

So, football was the way forward for me and the lads I grew up with. And I’m talking about good old English football (or soccer) here – not the mamby pamby American version that looks like a girls version of our Rugby. I ask you, why do grown men need to pad themselves out with that much protective clothing? But comment about our American cousins is for another post.

Australian rugby fan.

If Rugby teams were made up of women dressed like this I might be more interested.

In later life I met girls. By this time, I was well past the point of being able to choose what kind of sport I could partake in. My choices were limited to about none. Especially team sports. People used to say to me “There’s no ‘I’ in TEAM”. “Feck off” would be the wittiest riposte I could muster, “There is an ‘I’ in TIM”.

But the girls seemed to be more interested in Rugby than in Football. Now, please don’t think I am a huge football fan – I’m not. It’s been years since I have been to watch a match. And I left that at half time because of the yob behind me was inviting the visiting guests to ‘*&!? OFF & COME ON YOU £$%?!ERS & WHAT A C*?T T&^T AR$E FECK BLEEEUURRGGH’ (amazingly, this was in the FAMILY stand!). On top of that it was freezing cold and raining directly into my face.

But anyway, girls were into Rugby. So this obviously needed further investigation and a possible re-evaluation of my standing regarding the game with the odd shaped ball (how can you play a game with a ball that could go in any direction when it hits the ground/boot/face?).

The first thing I realised was that Rugby had staggeringly complicated rules. As I write, there is uproar because it appears that some rules have been changed but only for certain leagues or countries. Anyway, I asked a girlfriend of mine if she could explain the rules to me. Such as the scoring system perhaps?

No chance. She admitted there and then she only watched rugby to look at the players legs. Ye gods. So I asked another girl. I got the exact same answer. I asked several more and got the same reply.

It appears that women and girls do not watch rugby. They do not follow rugby. They just look at rugby.

Written by Tim Leal

October 4, 2008 at 5:33 pm

Posted in And another thing...

Tagged with , ,

The church has a problem.

leave a comment »

I saw another story in the press recently about some male vicar somewhere being jailed for possessing child pornography.

The situation with vicars and priests is so dire it is about time something is done about it. I don’t know what the figures are for other professions – say electricians – but there seems to be a lot of these religious types getting caught with their pants literally down.

A priest here getting caught years after the event when the girls he abused got together.

Here’s a story about a disgusting vicar from Rotherham – only last month and a priest from Wigan.

And here’s one from the month before – a retired priest from Northamptonshire admitting to child abuse .

I really don’t want to list any more – it really does turn your stomach after a while.

Astoundingly, these monsters are in positions where they meet vulnerable people. You have to ask how many cases go unreported? Or undetected? How many other sick priests and disturbed vicars are out there making the lives of children complete hell? How far up the church does it go?

Is there a top religious leader somewhere hiding a terrible secret?

It is bad enough that the church stole all the money from the peasants hundreds of years ago (where do you think they got all the gold that you see in churches and cathedrals? In fact, the magnificent buildings are the only really great things to come out of the church. But even they were paid for by the wealth stolen from the common man by literally placing the fear of god in him) but to think that these people have a safe haven within society to satisfy their evil urges and desires makes me think that it is about time we closed the door on religion.

From what I can see of history and listening to church leaders today, religion seems to be based on lies and deception. No wonder these people can hide away dark, dark secrets like this. They have had hundreds of years practice.

On a final note, I’m not saying that all religious men are like the depraved animals described above. I’ve even met several really nice vicars. It’s just that those in the theological profession need to clean up their house – it’s beginning to stink.

Written by Tim Leal

September 25, 2008 at 4:40 pm

Posted in And another thing...

Tagged with , ,